Why Can't I Do What I Want?

 

One of the hallmarks of ADHD is  selective interests. I did fine in school, in spite of my anger and consternation over why I could not study things I was interested in, instead of algebra and physics? It didn't occur to me when I was a kid that it might benefit me to know the basics of algebra or physics. I only knew that those subjects did not come naturally to me and I had little interest in them. I spent most of my school days annoyed and angry because I felt my time was being wasted. I seriously thought about quitting school because I felt like I could educate myself much better than my teachers were doing. My grades were excellent in subjects that I liked, like band, English, and History, but dismal in other subjects like science and math. Whenever I got a less than stellar grade on my report card, it would take more attention than the great grades I received in subjects I liked. My teachers would tell me "You're so smart, if only you would work harder or concentrate more....". I was working hard and concentrating to the best of my abilities, so I ended up feeling like a loser. There was more concentration on my failures than on my triumphs. Luckily for me, my mother understood and always praised me. She suffered with dyslexia and knew that, like her, I had some issues but I wasn't stupid or lazy.

My executive function capability was affected by ADHD as well. Executive function is a set of mental skills that include working memory, flexible thinking, and self-control. We use these skills every day to learn, work, and manage daily life. Trouble with executive function can make it hard to focus, follow directions, and handle emotions, among other things. Verbal instructions go in one ear and out the other for me. I need things to be written down. I've been told many times that I don't "look at the big picture", meaning that I tend to hyper fixate on trivia or minutiae about a subject, rather than seeing all of the parts of the picture. I can look at the painting above ("Guernica" by Pablo Picasso) for a period of time and if you ask me what is the main subject pictured , I would say screaming people. It takes me a bit to remember that there are also screaming animals and dead bodies in the painting. I recall pieces of things, not the whole thing.

These issues contributed to my feeling like a failure because I wasn't "living up to my potential". It's a special kind of hell when you know that you are intelligent and competent, but you seem to constantly disappoint others because you don't want to do what they want you to do. I felt that I was letting people down by not following a career or not using my Linguistics degree to find  a settled livelihood.  I just seemed to float along with the wind, trying to gain inner peace by looking for what would surely be the one thing that would make all the difference in my life; would put all the puzzle pieces together to make a coherent picture and would make me happy and content. I hope that finally knowing that I have ADHD will help me with that.