Week Nine

 

My TMS sessions are tapering off. There were three treatments last week and this week there will be only two. I feel generally pretty good, although the anxiety is still high. I'm not constantly sad.

I woke up at 3am this morning with my mind racing as usual; just random thoughts, nothing linear or memorable. I just think of 8 million different things at the same time, until I get overwhelmed. Sometimes a thought or idea will come to me and I'll want to remember it. The logical solution would be to write it down, but if I wake enough to write it down, I won't be able to go back to sleep. It's as if I have an intense need to get things out of my head, just in case one of the thoughts is a good idea worth pursuing. The mental faucet is turned on full blast and never really shuts off completely. It's exhausting.

My Ebay sales have slowed down but shopping for inventory has been extremely enjoyable. Having that hobby has been good for me, I think. I can concentrate on something tangible other than my normal scrambled thinking. Housework was accomplished this past weekend, so I feel kind of proud of myself. I "got things done" which is normally not my state of affairs.

Morning Has Broken

 This week, I will start to taper off on the TMS sessions; I have only 3 this week. I've been missing the sessions on Mondays, usually because I rarely sleep well on Sunday nights. Anxiety for the approaching work week keeps me from resting. Once the week starts and it's business as usual, my sleep is much better.

I feel pretty good this week. I still have minor depressed episodes, but they don't last for day like before. I'm starting an Ebay reselling hobby which is very enjoyable. Knowing that I have something interesting to do after work helps me concentrate and focus better during the day. My anxiety level is still too high, but it has gotten somewhat better.

I believe the TMS treatments have worked. I don't know how long it will last, so I'll make hay while the sun shines. I can get a lot of stuff done. If feeling this way is "normal", I try not to think of how much more I could have accomplished, had I been diagnosed ADHD as a child and received the proper accommodations. I just try to focus on what all I will accomplish in the future.

Week Seven

 

I can honestly say that I feel better; more in control of myself, able to focus longer at work, and generally much better than previously. I've also come to the realization that the decisions I make regarding my health and eating have consequences, both good and bad. I'm not sure why that didn't occur to me before; perhaps because I'm more aware now of eating badly out of boredom just to get the dopamine hit in my brain. The introspection has benefitted my outlook and demeanor and helped my productivity. Distraction and anxiety are still way too high, though. The initial ability to decide on a course of action, then start that action still eludes me. Once I finally do get started, it's easier to follow through. Neurotypical people probably won't understand why that's a problem for me because they can JUST DO IT, like the Nike ad says. It's common sense for them. My brain won't let me do that; I have to convince myself that it's a valuable use of my time and attention. The risk of boredom is too high for my mind.

I'll have issues if I'm not successful right away at whatever I'm doing. I'm certainly not good at dealing with frustration; my self-image sucks so I immediately want to give up if it doesn't work the way I want it to. There's always value to be found if I do stick with it, whatever it is. I can be very persistent if I feel it's a beneficial way to spend my time.  That may sound very selfish and arrogant, but I know the effect that boredom has on my psyche and the consequences of that are too high for me.  I'm not as willing to be bored, just for money or just because you want me  to do things that don't interest me. My time is limited; I don't want to waste any more of it. It's absolutely worth more than any money than any amount I could trade for it.

Week Six

 

This past week, I only had two treatments. As usual, I didn't sleep on Sunday night, so I skipped Monday then my husband and I went to Dallas on Thursday. We visited with family and enjoyed ourselves. I even got to see an old friend who I had not seen in years and get in some Goodwill shopping. I've been more successful lately with my Ebay reselling. Plush seems to be my niche.

I slept well, but my husband has been ill and didn't want to do much. We went to brunch on Sunday before we came home and he fell in the parking lot hurting his wrist, so I had to drive the entire way home. Usually, we switch place in Waco. I was really tired when we got home.

We didn't celebrate or do anything special on Monday, July 4th because I'm not happy with the direction in which this country is headed. Why celebrate freedom when mine as a female has been taken away? I feel for younger women who are still of childbearing age, because the reversal of Roe v. Wade is absolutely terrifying. The evangelicals are taking over and that's going to set women and minorities back to the Stone Age.