Week Five

 I've been in a mild dip this week, so I've made sure to spend some time outside. Even with the oppressive heat, I feel that being outside heals me somewhat. Maybe that's why I enjoy being in the desert so much. It's not the heat that attracts me, it's more the environment. I love looking at mountains. That's probably why I feel so at home in Las Vegas. There are mountains, desert canyons and pretty glittery lights to look at. I also really like the idea of living in a city where everything is open, 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. I can get very depressed during holidays when stores and restaurants are closed. I suppose that it's the disruption of my routine that bothers me more than anything.

My sleep pattern has been affected as well. Last night (like every Sunday night), I could not sleep. My brain races at the start of the week, making plans about everything then getting anxious about starting any of the plans. We're going on a mini-vacation later this week, so I'm looking forward to that. We'll be busy but I'll be able to rest and not think about work.

I haven't felt any major differences from the TMS treatment yet, just minor ones, but they are good differences. I've lost a bit of weight and I've been eating a better diet. When I learned that many ADHD people binge eat (or eat when bored, like I did), it flipped a switch in my brain and now when I want to eat, I only do when I'm truly hungry. I realize that my brain is searching for a dopamine fix. I've been able to avoid sugary sweets and salty snacks this week. I don't even crave fast food anymore because I know that I will feel heavy and weird after I eat it. Making better choices is becoming more easy for me.

I wonder if I should keep a journal and jot down all the random thoughts and ideas that spring into my head. Perhaps it would give me some ideas to write about. I like writing things down because I seem to retain the information easier. I think I will start doing that.

Driven To Distraction

 

"Senior moments" are not the exclusive domain of the elderly. I've dealt with them since I was a child.

I can walk into a room with a definite purpose, but forget what I came in there to do. I work from home, so my dinner table has papers and detritus strewn all over it. When it gets too bad for even me, the only way I can clear it is to:

- take one object at a time off the table.

-make an immediate decision about where that object is supposed to go or what I should do with it.

- then execute that decision. I try to tie this into getting my steps in for the day.

If I make piles of objects that go to the same location, I tend to get so distracted by sorting them that I fall into a rabbit hole and hyper focus on the contents of the pile instead of actually putting the items in their proper place.

Another problem is the motivation to actually do things, instead of endlessly ruminating on the best way to start, how long the task should take, should I actually just trash things instead of saving them.......etc. 

I can always think of things I should do, but cleaning or organizing isn't included in that list. However, housework still needs to be done and I'm usually the one to do it.

Week Four

 

I feel like I'm on a plateau at the moment; not making much progress but not feeling worse, by any means. I'm still very distracted but I can focus much better for longer periods of time, so I've actually done some housework this past weekend. I need to remember the feeling of accomplishment and competence I feel after clearing up clutter. It's very true that a cluttered house causes a cluttered mind. Getting started is the hardest part.

I'm still in the floundering stage in dealing with my diagnosis. I grew up thinking that my mental and emotional difficulties were due to the abuse in my childhood, but finding out that the undiagnosed ADHD added so much more to that has prompted a flood of grief. I'm not sure how to deal with that yet. It seems disrespectful to myself that I think of ADHD as a whole new start, because I worked so hard as a kid and was almost never given the credit for my persistence. My past life experiences both good and bad have made me the person I am today. I don't want to start over. I want to be given credit where and when I deserve it. If I feel that I'm working hard and still not making progress, I want support. I don't need anyone telling me that if I "worked harder and tried to focus more", or "everyone has to do things that they don't find interesting, so deal with it!". 

I've been dealing with a lot for a long time. I want a break. I want something, anything, to be easy for me.

Week Three

 

I'm starting my third week of TMS feeling generally better, but my anxiety has escalated. I still get very distracted and unable to focus, so I take frequent breaks. My thoughts are coming almost in a manic pace from the moment my eyes open in the early morning: 

- "I need to remember to write down that idea for a screenplay I had in my dream."

- "Do I have any work meetings this week? If I do, I hope it doesn't last long."

- "We really need to replace the bay windows in the house."

- "Hubby's bathroom needs to be renovated."

- "What do I have to fix for lunch today. Maybe I'll order some sushi."

- "Should we go ahead and get a couple of cats? I miss having a kitty in the house, but I also want to travel."

- "Tuesday is Senior Discount day at Goodwill. Hope I can drop by."

- "I wonder why my items on Ebay aren't getting bids. Should I rewrite the descriptions?"

Ad nauseum. One thought right after the other, none related to the next. I seem to think of everything under the sun when I wake up. I feel that I'm at my most creative in the morning hours. I've read articles about different authors who are the same way, preferring an early start and more leisurely afternoon and evening. That will probably be my schedule after I retire too.

I'm hoping my anxiety will calm down this week. It's exhausting to be unable to shut my brain off. I'm taking a few days off later this month to visit family and friends in north Texas, so that will be a welcome break.

Week Two

 I finished my second full week of treatment. I may have to miss the session today because I didn't sleep well last night. My brain would not shut off and I think I got a grand total of 3 hours of rest. I feel very depressed and stressed out. We're short another co-worker at my job, and although I really need to take a day off for myself, I will not. I don't want to give my boss any reason to feel that she cannot depend on me.

I suppose that this episode is one of the "dips" I was told to watch for; a swing in the level of dopamine or serotonin in my brain. It should be temporary, so I'm not in despair about it. I've already received positive benefits from the TMS such as generally feeling better and being better able to control my eating habits. I've even lost some weight, which is very nice. I'm trying to stay positive.