Week Seven

 

I can honestly say that I feel better; more in control of myself, able to focus longer at work, and generally much better than previously. I've also come to the realization that the decisions I make regarding my health and eating have consequences, both good and bad. I'm not sure why that didn't occur to me before; perhaps because I'm more aware now of eating badly out of boredom just to get the dopamine hit in my brain. The introspection has benefitted my outlook and demeanor and helped my productivity. Distraction and anxiety are still way too high, though. The initial ability to decide on a course of action, then start that action still eludes me. Once I finally do get started, it's easier to follow through. Neurotypical people probably won't understand why that's a problem for me because they can JUST DO IT, like the Nike ad says. It's common sense for them. My brain won't let me do that; I have to convince myself that it's a valuable use of my time and attention. The risk of boredom is too high for my mind.

I'll have issues if I'm not successful right away at whatever I'm doing. I'm certainly not good at dealing with frustration; my self-image sucks so I immediately want to give up if it doesn't work the way I want it to. There's always value to be found if I do stick with it, whatever it is. I can be very persistent if I feel it's a beneficial way to spend my time.  That may sound very selfish and arrogant, but I know the effect that boredom has on my psyche and the consequences of that are too high for me.  I'm not as willing to be bored, just for money or just because you want me  to do things that don't interest me. My time is limited; I don't want to waste any more of it. It's absolutely worth more than any money than any amount I could trade for it.