First Week of TMS

Last week was my first full 5 days of consecutive TMS sessions. So far, I haven't had any headaches or jaw pain. I've felt a bit lighter emotionally, like the fog in my brain is starting to clear. I have had some issues with short term memory problems, but the shrink did an assessment and said that my results indicated severe anxiety and depression, not any damage.  I had noticed that if I got interrupted doing anything, whether work or not, I couldn't immediately remember what I had been doing or what I should do next. This sounds alarming, but I've really always had that problem. I just noticed it as being prominent since I started the TMS.

The magnetic pulses have been ratcheted up more, so it feels like a woodpecker is lightly knocking on my head and my jaw clenches strongly. There are different pulses at the end that sort of relieve the irritation. The sessions last for only 20 minutes so I can stand it. The shrink told me that after a couple of weeks I won't even notice the pulses. 

I've been less productive and much more easily distracted while working this past week. So many thoughts and plans and ideas have been whirling around my brain, it's been difficult to concentrate on my work. I haven't had that problem while doing my genealogy research, so maybe that's just an ADHD issue I can work on with my therapist. On the good side, I completely vacuumed and dusted my house which I hadn't done recently. I didn't have to be persuaded to do it either, I just got up and did it. Normally, I would have to psyche myself up tremendously to do any sort of housework that didn't relate to meal preparation. Doing the dishes is no problem at all, at least there's a visible reward at the finish with no dirty dishes in the sink and the cabinets all organized. It's the other things, such as cleaning the bathtub or dusting and vacuuming that are a headache.

The shrink told me to ask my husband to tell me if he notices anything unusual or different in my behavior. So far, he says I've been my usual self. The changes have been internal and very subtle so far.

TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation)

 I had my first TMS session yesterday. A tight blue "swim cap" with a grid map was put on my head, and painless magnetic pulses are directed to my frontal lobe, as directed by the grid. The psychiatrist mapped my brain's responses by determining which part of my brain would make my finger twitch. A helmet-like device was then applied and the magnetic pulses began, accompanied by a small knocking sound right above my ear. My jaw would clench slightly, so I tried to keep my mouth slightly open. My right arm, palm facing up,  rested on a pillow balanced on the chair arm. My index finger twitched almost imperceptibly during the magnetic pulses.

After my brain was properly mapped, the actual TMS session lasted for 20 minutes. There was a large TV screen across from me and a guided meditation program started. A gentle hushed voice focused my attention to beautiful images of mountain landscapes and quiet, relaxing beach scenes. The meditation guide directed my breathing, slowing it down to deep, restoring breaths. Before the session, my anxiety would only allow short breaths, almost chronic hyperventilating. Then it was over. I feel very "Zen".

There was no pain at all; just a sense of relaxation and calm. It was actually quite pleasant, except for the knocking noise over my ear, which was only slightly annoying. I took the swim cap off. I felt like I could finally take a deep, cleansing breath and my mind seemed so much clearer. Even the crowd at the grocery store didn't make me anxious,

This morning, instead of rushing around, arranging mine and my husband's morning meds, making coffee in my French press and trying to suppress the desire to order a greasy fast food breakfast, I sit quietly at my laptop, reading emails and listening to Beach Boys Pet Sounds and the Incredible String Band's hippie classic LP, The Hangman's Beautiful Daughter. I don't feel the need for coffee to be awake and present.

This might work. I'm hopeful it does.

New med, same problems

 

I started taking Ritalin last month, after Adderall failed to control my anxiety and distraction. I don't notice much difference, if any with the Ritalin. I still get distracted far too easily and find it difficult to focus when I need to. I guess Vyvanse would be next. One thing I have accomplished is recognizing when I'm bored and tempted to mindlessly eat. Food used to be a reward for me, but I've tried to replace it with taking frequent breaks and looking at my favorite websites instead. It seems to be working.

I start TMS therapy for my depression next week. I'm hoping that it was alleviate my depression so I can progress more with controlling the anxiety and ADHD. Maybe all 3 will be relived, who knows? I don't know who I am without depression; I've been depressed for as long as I remember.

Self Defense

 

When I was a kid, teachers would express disappointment in my school performance: "You're so smart, you need to apply yourself", "Why do you think of such weird stuff? Concentrate on the subject! Use your brain!", etc. I would defend myself by thinking that they would eat those words, because I'm going to be famous one day". 

 Famous for what, I don't know. It was the only aspect of my psyche that had any ego whatsoever. I loathed myself otherwise, but I just knew that "something big" was going to happen to me someday. Maybe I would be a rock star, or write an Oscar winning movie? I wonder now if my ADHD diagnosis is that Big Thing, sort of a "you're finally going to find out who you really are" event. That would indeed be a Big Thing.

This is why we must have new things....

The Adderall didn't seem to work well for me, so the doc has switched me to Ritalin. I'll start taking that today. Will have to see what that's like and if it does well for me.

I also start TMS therapy Monday to deal with my depression so I can get more benefit from the ADHD therapy.  I've heard good stuff about TMS and my insurance covers it, so that's a bonus.

I just need a new brain, I think. This one has been nothing but trouble.

That's it??

 I've been taking Adderall for my ADHD for about a month and a half. I can't say that it's offered any lasting effects yet; I still feel just as scrambled as ever, and because I'm not supposed to take it on weekends, I've been getting very depressed on Saturdays and Sundays. I was on vacation last week and it didn't go well at all, so I've been in a pit of despair since we got back home.

It's apparent that I haven't gotten a handle on either my depression or my anxiety, let alone the ADHD. I've tried my hardest for years to figure out what it is exactly that I'm supposed to do with my life. Although I have found a therapist with whom I connect well, I'm on even more meds now than I was before. Why are meds seemingly the answer to everything? What can't I learn to deal with life and working without being medicated?

Who actually lives in a world where they absolutely love their jobs and their home life all the time? I'm certainly not naive enough to think that people are mindlessly simple enough to be happy all of the time, but feeling content some of the time would be fantastic. I used to see people working on their laptops while shopping at Whole Foods and would think THAT would make me happy; making my own hours, working wherever I wanted to be, and not being locked away in an office. Well, since the pandemic, I pretty much have that and I'm just as sad as I ever was.

I need some answers to my questions, or at the very least some probing questions or suggestions  to help me find the answers I seek. On a more positive note, the Adderall has helped me see the impulsivity in my eating habits, but I've just replaced eating out of boredom with buying stuff I don't need out of boredom. I can't even discern what would make me happy anymore. I've never dealt with boredom very well. Being bored has led to some piss-poor decisions on my part in the past, but living life everyday can be very boring and I need to be able to deal with it better.

When I was a kid, I could play outside or help out with farm work. I had a vibrant imagination so I could usually figure out something to keep myself occupied, but my ability to do that seemingly disappeared as I got older. Sometimes I long to be recognized for something I do have a talent for, such as writing or genealogy, but that makes me feel like a bratty spoiled child who needs to be noticed or I'll start to cause problems. I know that the world does not owe me a glamorous and thrilling life, but I would like some way to find my normal life as glamorous and thrilling as it is.

Why Can't I Do What I Want?

 

One of the hallmarks of ADHD is  selective interests. I did fine in school, in spite of my anger and consternation over why I could not study things I was interested in, instead of algebra and physics? It didn't occur to me when I was a kid that it might benefit me to know the basics of algebra or physics. I only knew that those subjects did not come naturally to me and I had little interest in them. I spent most of my school days annoyed and angry because I felt my time was being wasted. I seriously thought about quitting school because I felt like I could educate myself much better than my teachers were doing. My grades were excellent in subjects that I liked, like band, English, and History, but dismal in other subjects like science and math. Whenever I got a less than stellar grade on my report card, it would take more attention than the great grades I received in subjects I liked. My teachers would tell me "You're so smart, if only you would work harder or concentrate more....". I was working hard and concentrating to the best of my abilities, so I ended up feeling like a loser. There was more concentration on my failures than on my triumphs. Luckily for me, my mother understood and always praised me. She suffered with dyslexia and knew that, like her, I had some issues but I wasn't stupid or lazy.

My executive function capability was affected by ADHD as well. Executive function is a set of mental skills that include working memory, flexible thinking, and self-control. We use these skills every day to learn, work, and manage daily life. Trouble with executive function can make it hard to focus, follow directions, and handle emotions, among other things. Verbal instructions go in one ear and out the other for me. I need things to be written down. I've been told many times that I don't "look at the big picture", meaning that I tend to hyper fixate on trivia or minutiae about a subject, rather than seeing all of the parts of the picture. I can look at the painting above ("Guernica" by Pablo Picasso) for a period of time and if you ask me what is the main subject pictured , I would say screaming people. It takes me a bit to remember that there are also screaming animals and dead bodies in the painting. I recall pieces of things, not the whole thing.

These issues contributed to my feeling like a failure because I wasn't "living up to my potential". It's a special kind of hell when you know that you are intelligent and competent, but you seem to constantly disappoint others because you don't want to do what they want you to do. I felt that I was letting people down by not following a career or not using my Linguistics degree to find  a settled livelihood.  I just seemed to float along with the wind, trying to gain inner peace by looking for what would surely be the one thing that would make all the difference in my life; would put all the puzzle pieces together to make a coherent picture and would make me happy and content. I hope that finally knowing that I have ADHD will help me with that.