The Finish Line

 I've completed all of my 36 TMS sessions and my depression has significantly improved. I feel now like I'm in a much better place to start exploring my ADHD more deeply. The anxiety still makes it difficult for me to focus or be still for long, so my Ritalin prescription has been raised a bit.

If I can harness the motivation I'm feeling and direct my focus, I'll be able to accomplish more in the way of clearing clutter, cleaning, etc. For now though, I'm going to enjoy not feeling stressed out and miserable.

Week Nine

 

My TMS sessions are tapering off. There were three treatments last week and this week there will be only two. I feel generally pretty good, although the anxiety is still high. I'm not constantly sad.

I woke up at 3am this morning with my mind racing as usual; just random thoughts, nothing linear or memorable. I just think of 8 million different things at the same time, until I get overwhelmed. Sometimes a thought or idea will come to me and I'll want to remember it. The logical solution would be to write it down, but if I wake enough to write it down, I won't be able to go back to sleep. It's as if I have an intense need to get things out of my head, just in case one of the thoughts is a good idea worth pursuing. The mental faucet is turned on full blast and never really shuts off completely. It's exhausting.

My Ebay sales have slowed down but shopping for inventory has been extremely enjoyable. Having that hobby has been good for me, I think. I can concentrate on something tangible other than my normal scrambled thinking. Housework was accomplished this past weekend, so I feel kind of proud of myself. I "got things done" which is normally not my state of affairs.

Morning Has Broken

 This week, I will start to taper off on the TMS sessions; I have only 3 this week. I've been missing the sessions on Mondays, usually because I rarely sleep well on Sunday nights. Anxiety for the approaching work week keeps me from resting. Once the week starts and it's business as usual, my sleep is much better.

I feel pretty good this week. I still have minor depressed episodes, but they don't last for day like before. I'm starting an Ebay reselling hobby which is very enjoyable. Knowing that I have something interesting to do after work helps me concentrate and focus better during the day. My anxiety level is still too high, but it has gotten somewhat better.

I believe the TMS treatments have worked. I don't know how long it will last, so I'll make hay while the sun shines. I can get a lot of stuff done. If feeling this way is "normal", I try not to think of how much more I could have accomplished, had I been diagnosed ADHD as a child and received the proper accommodations. I just try to focus on what all I will accomplish in the future.

Week Seven

 

I can honestly say that I feel better; more in control of myself, able to focus longer at work, and generally much better than previously. I've also come to the realization that the decisions I make regarding my health and eating have consequences, both good and bad. I'm not sure why that didn't occur to me before; perhaps because I'm more aware now of eating badly out of boredom just to get the dopamine hit in my brain. The introspection has benefitted my outlook and demeanor and helped my productivity. Distraction and anxiety are still way too high, though. The initial ability to decide on a course of action, then start that action still eludes me. Once I finally do get started, it's easier to follow through. Neurotypical people probably won't understand why that's a problem for me because they can JUST DO IT, like the Nike ad says. It's common sense for them. My brain won't let me do that; I have to convince myself that it's a valuable use of my time and attention. The risk of boredom is too high for my mind.

I'll have issues if I'm not successful right away at whatever I'm doing. I'm certainly not good at dealing with frustration; my self-image sucks so I immediately want to give up if it doesn't work the way I want it to. There's always value to be found if I do stick with it, whatever it is. I can be very persistent if I feel it's a beneficial way to spend my time.  That may sound very selfish and arrogant, but I know the effect that boredom has on my psyche and the consequences of that are too high for me.  I'm not as willing to be bored, just for money or just because you want me  to do things that don't interest me. My time is limited; I don't want to waste any more of it. It's absolutely worth more than any money than any amount I could trade for it.

Week Six

 

This past week, I only had two treatments. As usual, I didn't sleep on Sunday night, so I skipped Monday then my husband and I went to Dallas on Thursday. We visited with family and enjoyed ourselves. I even got to see an old friend who I had not seen in years and get in some Goodwill shopping. I've been more successful lately with my Ebay reselling. Plush seems to be my niche.

I slept well, but my husband has been ill and didn't want to do much. We went to brunch on Sunday before we came home and he fell in the parking lot hurting his wrist, so I had to drive the entire way home. Usually, we switch place in Waco. I was really tired when we got home.

We didn't celebrate or do anything special on Monday, July 4th because I'm not happy with the direction in which this country is headed. Why celebrate freedom when mine as a female has been taken away? I feel for younger women who are still of childbearing age, because the reversal of Roe v. Wade is absolutely terrifying. The evangelicals are taking over and that's going to set women and minorities back to the Stone Age.

Week Five

 I've been in a mild dip this week, so I've made sure to spend some time outside. Even with the oppressive heat, I feel that being outside heals me somewhat. Maybe that's why I enjoy being in the desert so much. It's not the heat that attracts me, it's more the environment. I love looking at mountains. That's probably why I feel so at home in Las Vegas. There are mountains, desert canyons and pretty glittery lights to look at. I also really like the idea of living in a city where everything is open, 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. I can get very depressed during holidays when stores and restaurants are closed. I suppose that it's the disruption of my routine that bothers me more than anything.

My sleep pattern has been affected as well. Last night (like every Sunday night), I could not sleep. My brain races at the start of the week, making plans about everything then getting anxious about starting any of the plans. We're going on a mini-vacation later this week, so I'm looking forward to that. We'll be busy but I'll be able to rest and not think about work.

I haven't felt any major differences from the TMS treatment yet, just minor ones, but they are good differences. I've lost a bit of weight and I've been eating a better diet. When I learned that many ADHD people binge eat (or eat when bored, like I did), it flipped a switch in my brain and now when I want to eat, I only do when I'm truly hungry. I realize that my brain is searching for a dopamine fix. I've been able to avoid sugary sweets and salty snacks this week. I don't even crave fast food anymore because I know that I will feel heavy and weird after I eat it. Making better choices is becoming more easy for me.

I wonder if I should keep a journal and jot down all the random thoughts and ideas that spring into my head. Perhaps it would give me some ideas to write about. I like writing things down because I seem to retain the information easier. I think I will start doing that.

Driven To Distraction

 

"Senior moments" are not the exclusive domain of the elderly. I've dealt with them since I was a child.

I can walk into a room with a definite purpose, but forget what I came in there to do. I work from home, so my dinner table has papers and detritus strewn all over it. When it gets too bad for even me, the only way I can clear it is to:

- take one object at a time off the table.

-make an immediate decision about where that object is supposed to go or what I should do with it.

- then execute that decision. I try to tie this into getting my steps in for the day.

If I make piles of objects that go to the same location, I tend to get so distracted by sorting them that I fall into a rabbit hole and hyper focus on the contents of the pile instead of actually putting the items in their proper place.

Another problem is the motivation to actually do things, instead of endlessly ruminating on the best way to start, how long the task should take, should I actually just trash things instead of saving them.......etc. 

I can always think of things I should do, but cleaning or organizing isn't included in that list. However, housework still needs to be done and I'm usually the one to do it.