Week Four

 

I feel like I'm on a plateau at the moment; not making much progress but not feeling worse, by any means. I'm still very distracted but I can focus much better for longer periods of time, so I've actually done some housework this past weekend. I need to remember the feeling of accomplishment and competence I feel after clearing up clutter. It's very true that a cluttered house causes a cluttered mind. Getting started is the hardest part.

I'm still in the floundering stage in dealing with my diagnosis. I grew up thinking that my mental and emotional difficulties were due to the abuse in my childhood, but finding out that the undiagnosed ADHD added so much more to that has prompted a flood of grief. I'm not sure how to deal with that yet. It seems disrespectful to myself that I think of ADHD as a whole new start, because I worked so hard as a kid and was almost never given the credit for my persistence. My past life experiences both good and bad have made me the person I am today. I don't want to start over. I want to be given credit where and when I deserve it. If I feel that I'm working hard and still not making progress, I want support. I don't need anyone telling me that if I "worked harder and tried to focus more", or "everyone has to do things that they don't find interesting, so deal with it!". 

I've been dealing with a lot for a long time. I want a break. I want something, anything, to be easy for me.

Week Three

 

I'm starting my third week of TMS feeling generally better, but my anxiety has escalated. I still get very distracted and unable to focus, so I take frequent breaks. My thoughts are coming almost in a manic pace from the moment my eyes open in the early morning: 

- "I need to remember to write down that idea for a screenplay I had in my dream."

- "Do I have any work meetings this week? If I do, I hope it doesn't last long."

- "We really need to replace the bay windows in the house."

- "Hubby's bathroom needs to be renovated."

- "What do I have to fix for lunch today. Maybe I'll order some sushi."

- "Should we go ahead and get a couple of cats? I miss having a kitty in the house, but I also want to travel."

- "Tuesday is Senior Discount day at Goodwill. Hope I can drop by."

- "I wonder why my items on Ebay aren't getting bids. Should I rewrite the descriptions?"

Ad nauseum. One thought right after the other, none related to the next. I seem to think of everything under the sun when I wake up. I feel that I'm at my most creative in the morning hours. I've read articles about different authors who are the same way, preferring an early start and more leisurely afternoon and evening. That will probably be my schedule after I retire too.

I'm hoping my anxiety will calm down this week. It's exhausting to be unable to shut my brain off. I'm taking a few days off later this month to visit family and friends in north Texas, so that will be a welcome break.

Week Two

 I finished my second full week of treatment. I may have to miss the session today because I didn't sleep well last night. My brain would not shut off and I think I got a grand total of 3 hours of rest. I feel very depressed and stressed out. We're short another co-worker at my job, and although I really need to take a day off for myself, I will not. I don't want to give my boss any reason to feel that she cannot depend on me.

I suppose that this episode is one of the "dips" I was told to watch for; a swing in the level of dopamine or serotonin in my brain. It should be temporary, so I'm not in despair about it. I've already received positive benefits from the TMS such as generally feeling better and being better able to control my eating habits. I've even lost some weight, which is very nice. I'm trying to stay positive.

First Week of TMS

Last week was my first full 5 days of consecutive TMS sessions. So far, I haven't had any headaches or jaw pain. I've felt a bit lighter emotionally, like the fog in my brain is starting to clear. I have had some issues with short term memory problems, but the shrink did an assessment and said that my results indicated severe anxiety and depression, not any damage.  I had noticed that if I got interrupted doing anything, whether work or not, I couldn't immediately remember what I had been doing or what I should do next. This sounds alarming, but I've really always had that problem. I just noticed it as being prominent since I started the TMS.

The magnetic pulses have been ratcheted up more, so it feels like a woodpecker is lightly knocking on my head and my jaw clenches strongly. There are different pulses at the end that sort of relieve the irritation. The sessions last for only 20 minutes so I can stand it. The shrink told me that after a couple of weeks I won't even notice the pulses. 

I've been less productive and much more easily distracted while working this past week. So many thoughts and plans and ideas have been whirling around my brain, it's been difficult to concentrate on my work. I haven't had that problem while doing my genealogy research, so maybe that's just an ADHD issue I can work on with my therapist. On the good side, I completely vacuumed and dusted my house which I hadn't done recently. I didn't have to be persuaded to do it either, I just got up and did it. Normally, I would have to psyche myself up tremendously to do any sort of housework that didn't relate to meal preparation. Doing the dishes is no problem at all, at least there's a visible reward at the finish with no dirty dishes in the sink and the cabinets all organized. It's the other things, such as cleaning the bathtub or dusting and vacuuming that are a headache.

The shrink told me to ask my husband to tell me if he notices anything unusual or different in my behavior. So far, he says I've been my usual self. The changes have been internal and very subtle so far.

TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation)

 I had my first TMS session yesterday. A tight blue "swim cap" with a grid map was put on my head, and painless magnetic pulses are directed to my frontal lobe, as directed by the grid. The psychiatrist mapped my brain's responses by determining which part of my brain would make my finger twitch. A helmet-like device was then applied and the magnetic pulses began, accompanied by a small knocking sound right above my ear. My jaw would clench slightly, so I tried to keep my mouth slightly open. My right arm, palm facing up,  rested on a pillow balanced on the chair arm. My index finger twitched almost imperceptibly during the magnetic pulses.

After my brain was properly mapped, the actual TMS session lasted for 20 minutes. There was a large TV screen across from me and a guided meditation program started. A gentle hushed voice focused my attention to beautiful images of mountain landscapes and quiet, relaxing beach scenes. The meditation guide directed my breathing, slowing it down to deep, restoring breaths. Before the session, my anxiety would only allow short breaths, almost chronic hyperventilating. Then it was over. I feel very "Zen".

There was no pain at all; just a sense of relaxation and calm. It was actually quite pleasant, except for the knocking noise over my ear, which was only slightly annoying. I took the swim cap off. I felt like I could finally take a deep, cleansing breath and my mind seemed so much clearer. Even the crowd at the grocery store didn't make me anxious,

This morning, instead of rushing around, arranging mine and my husband's morning meds, making coffee in my French press and trying to suppress the desire to order a greasy fast food breakfast, I sit quietly at my laptop, reading emails and listening to Beach Boys Pet Sounds and the Incredible String Band's hippie classic LP, The Hangman's Beautiful Daughter. I don't feel the need for coffee to be awake and present.

This might work. I'm hopeful it does.

New med, same problems

 

I started taking Ritalin last month, after Adderall failed to control my anxiety and distraction. I don't notice much difference, if any with the Ritalin. I still get distracted far too easily and find it difficult to focus when I need to. I guess Vyvanse would be next. One thing I have accomplished is recognizing when I'm bored and tempted to mindlessly eat. Food used to be a reward for me, but I've tried to replace it with taking frequent breaks and looking at my favorite websites instead. It seems to be working.

I start TMS therapy for my depression next week. I'm hoping that it was alleviate my depression so I can progress more with controlling the anxiety and ADHD. Maybe all 3 will be relived, who knows? I don't know who I am without depression; I've been depressed for as long as I remember.

Self Defense

 

When I was a kid, teachers would express disappointment in my school performance: "You're so smart, you need to apply yourself", "Why do you think of such weird stuff? Concentrate on the subject! Use your brain!", etc. I would defend myself by thinking that they would eat those words, because I'm going to be famous one day". 

 Famous for what, I don't know. It was the only aspect of my psyche that had any ego whatsoever. I loathed myself otherwise, but I just knew that "something big" was going to happen to me someday. Maybe I would be a rock star, or write an Oscar winning movie? I wonder now if my ADHD diagnosis is that Big Thing, sort of a "you're finally going to find out who you really are" event. That would indeed be a Big Thing.